Emily Jones' Angry Review of Ride to Hell: Retribution
by Christopher Spielberg
Summary: Inspired by TheAngryJoeShow's review of Ride to Hell: Retribution, Emily Jones from LEGO Elves was experiencing a bad dream one night in Elvendale with her girlfriend Sira, which is about reviewing one of the most awfully and badly-reviewed games of all time. I do not own the characters, sources, or content, just my own idea. Rated T-M for bad words.
1. Part 1 of 3

**NOTE: This story is a inspiration of the Youtuber Angry Joe's review on the critically-hated game Ride to Hell: Retribution, with a few characters from LEGO Elves. I do not own the characters, rant or content, and I only own my personal idea of this story. I love Angry Joe and LEGO Elves, so enjoy the three-part review.**

 **Part 1 of 3**

Nighttime in Elvendale, Emily Jones was sleeping with her girlfriend Sira Copperbranch at the inn, and one time during the night, Sira wakes up when she hears Emily groan half asleep, as Sira whispers, "Emily. What's wrong, my love?", making sure if her friend was okay as Emily was moving slightly, like if she's having a bad dream, saying, "You know what; I'll get you some cookies and some warm milk if you're not feeling well. I'll be back, hope you'll be okay.", Sira bravely said, going off to quickly get Emily midnight snacks for her to care for her girlfriend.

As she left to get her snacks, Emily was groaning more as we go into her dreamily mind, going to discover her nightmare of hers.

* * *

Emily sobs as we see her in a black void in her mind, saying sadly, "Oh, where am I? What were they doing to each other? So awkward...so creepy...so raw... Why, mom, why!?", before she was about to cry and shed tears, but not until the background fades from the darkness to show a similar and familiar villainous lair of her enemy.

"NO!", a familar villain said, revealing that the lair and the Shadow Fountain in the dream was in fact, and appearing in her dream, was no other but Ragana Shadowflame. "Not Mom!", devilishly said the antagonist, laughing evilly as Emily looks with horror and shock.

Emily exclaims and asked suspiciously, "Ragana! Are you stalking me in my bad dream right now?"

"That's right, Emily!", cackled Ragana. "It took me days for incantations and Shadow Fountain baths, for I have finally done it! I have summoned the ultimate shitty game! And not even anyone in this realm can't handle for such a fantastic piece of art work! BEHOLD!", she then yells, summoning the hated game which is called Ride to Hell: Retribution. She laughs evilly again, "And now that you're here in my lair, I will have you REVIEW it!", cackling continuously. " **It will DESTROY you!** So, Emily, REVIEW THIS GAME!"

Emily, with shock, sarcasm and nervous, answered, "No."

"...Uh...please?", Ragana hesitated.

Emily disagreed again, "...No."

"...Oh, come on, review the game, please?", the villainess pleaded.

The heroine replied, "...No."

"Oh, I worked really hard, come on!", pleaded desperately Ragana.

Emily groans and sighs, "Fine, I'll review it."

"...YEAH! Hahahahahaha! You're finished, Emily! You're never gonna make it through the review! Your spirit will be crushed, and I shall rule all of Elvendale!", cackles Ragana, hearing the answer from Emily, saying her evil plan.

* * *

 **Emily Jones' Angry Review of Ride to Hell: Retribution**

Appearing at her Elf friends' big playhouse for her reviews on this game and some possible others in her dream, Emily starts the review, "I absolutely had to review this game. I couldn't let it escape my rage, and I'm morbidly curious, so I'll tell you anyway! To start this off, right off the bat, this fucking game makes a terrible first impression. You are awkwardly thrown into a turret segment..."

We then see footage from the beginning of Ride to Hell: Retribution, as we sawJake, the main character of the horrible game, in the turret segment, before it skips mid-way to the next parts of the montage.

Emily then continues the review, "It feels broken without any rhyme or reason, and suddenly, you're in a terrible quick time event brawl!"

Again, the review shows another footage of the first quick time brawl event, before it moves to the next part of the montage after a few button quick time moments.

"Again with no explanation. Then you're driving your bloaty-ass motorcycle, in a race reminiscent of Big Rigs or Mother Truckers, unable to do more than quick time events, as enemies materialize from thin air, from the sides, to fight you then fly off in random directions, EXPLODING **for no fucking reason!** ", rants Emily about the beginning of the game.

We see footage of Jake driving his motorcycle as an enemy goes to the left and explodes a second later, as we hear Emily ask, "What the fuck was that?", while the footage was shown.

"It's like if the game is intentionally trying to get you to absolutely hate it's fucking guts! In the opening sequence!", the heroine ranted again.

Footage of Jake driving under a gas tanker and hitting a car, fading out and restarting at the same part again, before turning to the right and exploding the bike for no reason, was shown.

"What the fuck just happened?!", Emily asks, upset and confused, as more footage later in the start of the game was sooner after the first stage, continuing her review, "But it gets worse, much worse, never has a game earned it's namesake like Ride to FUCKING Hell has! The Retribution of my **FIST** into the developers' faces! The poorly written story follows Jake Conway, or Badass Biker #1, who's recently returned from his Vietnam War to his uncle and his little brother.", before more footage showing Jake and his brother reuniting in a cutscene of the game. "Uuuggghh...the game makes an attempt...to have you bond with him, as you ride on the open road together, in sequences so poor, you swear you were playing in early Alpha!", she continues her rant.

Jake racing with his motorcycle through a construction site to catch up with his brother was shown in footage of the game just then.

"The graphics: muddy, low-rez, angular, and looking like something straight off an early XBOX ONE. ONE! As in the original.", said Emily. "All is horrid, I mean, well, until a bunch of rival bikers show up to kill you both.", she then says, as a cutscene was shown of what Emily plotted during the review, saying next in her review, "If you haven't noticed by now, the voice acting in this game, **IS SOME OF THE WORST I'VE EVER FUCKING EXPERIENCED!** "

A cutscene with one of the characters' voice acting in a part of the game with the character at the entrance of a silver casino.

Emily then says, "No. No. Scratch that; It is the worst fucking voice acting EVER.", before a cutscene of a later part of the game with an example of the bad voice acting was shown, as the girl continues, "Even the worst dub job, in the Japanese games I play, have more emotion and believability, than the sorry excuse for voice overs here.", as footage from another game of Japanese descent was shown. "It's as if all the lines were recorded in the BATHROOM of the studio by unpaid interns!", the heroine comments about the bad voice-acting.

Another scene in the game with the same from earlier was shown, but edited with sounds in the bathroom, as Emily was heard apologizing for the bathroom sounds.

"In fact y'all immediately notice that it's not just the voice-acting, but nearly all the sound design in the game. When you fuck up the bike sound effects in your goddamn biker game, you know you done FUCKED IT UP!", ranted Emily, as then, a scene shows Jake and his little brother driving together on motorcycles on the open road at nighttime, but the sounds of the motorcycles makes the speech during the scene barely hearable, as Emily was says, "It's literally the same tone once you hit 40 miles per hour, and you can't hear shit when they talk."

The same cutscene with the two on their motorcycles continues, as Emily was heard saying, "I can't he- What? I can't hear you! Our-our bikes! The sounds, the bikes, they suck ass! ...Huh? I said our game sucks ass!"

Emily says next, "So many other sounds in the game are just straight-out missing. The cutscenes are eerily quiet because of it.", as a quiet cutscene of the game is shown. "And many things in the game that should have sounds, slamming into things when you're driving or cars driving by in the distance, have no sound whatsoever. And the sounds that are there, sound like they come from a generic library, or worse, hell, I can even go to freesounddotorg, and find superior clips than what's in this fucking game. So anyway, after your brother is murdered, and you are shot and left for dead, it's time to magically reappear with no explanation, and go out for your revenge. Over the course of 37 broken, boring, repetitive, mind-numbingly dull missions!"

A cutscene was shown with Jake after killing one of the rival bikers that killed his brother, his yell heard a couple times edited-ly.

"Now originally pegged for release in 2009, this thing has been in development since 2008! The Ride to Hell series, it's been cancelled, pushed back, revived, numerous times, and it should've stayed fucking cancelled. The game was supposed to be, an open-world biker game, in the backdrop of the 1960's, you'll get to explore the open world in the western part of the United States, working your way through the ranks of a tough motorcycle gang. That sounds cool, only what we got here, is in a boarded desperately cobbled-together pretender, it's like a dead fucking carcus, taped back together, and presented to us as if it was still alive!", said and ranted Emily.

And after a small clip of a Jim Carrey movie was shown representing the disappointment of the horribly-reviewed game, Emily continued, "The worst fucking part is they think they can make a franchise out of this. Yeah! In May 20, 2013, Deep Silver was quoted by saying, _"It's not something that everyone will like, definitely not. We're going to have people who even hate it. But we know we're going to have a lot of fans as well. A lot of people will love it. A lot of people will laugh! It's going to be an exciting thing."_ ", before the girl then bursts with rage, " **NO! NO IT'S FUCKING NOT! NOBODY'S LAUGHING!** "

* * *

Before the end of the first part of the review, Ragana Shadowflame hears this review as of now, laughing evilly in her antagonistic entertainment back at her lair. "You're too funny, Emily! Hahahaha! Let it suck your spirit! That's right, Emily! You can't resist it! You've started now, you can't finish! Until you're destroyed!", she cackled her evil plan before the first part of the review ends.

 **To be continued...**


	2. Part 2 of 3

**Part 2 of 3**

Emily Jones continues at the start of the second part of the review, "It's TERRIBLE! ...The series is launching as three separate titles for iOS, console download, and as full console and Windows PC releases, the publisher can branch out to new demographics! Don't you fucking dare! Do you hear me? Don't you even try it. NO. ...NO.", threatening firmly as a screen showing the three planned games, with one of them being the bad reviewed game, Retribution, while the two others were Route 666 and Beatdown. The heroine then explained, "Okay, let me explain to you why. This sucks; gameplay breaks down into one or two things: Either fighting/shooting sections, in large mostly ecstatic and empty area levels, or, driving/racing. Only you don't so much drive as you _slide all around the place_ , as every damn vehicle in the game, feels like it's on a _goddamn_ skating ring, floating, lacking...lacking any ways or impact."

More footage shows in the game the way the vehicles and the motorcycles control in the driving gameplay.

"Enemy vehicles careen off the road for no fucking reason, to their deaths! Triggering the same damn explosion sound! Every _fucking_ time.", she explains more of why the game has issues with the enemy vehicles.

Then, another footage shows during a race, after the character beats an enemy on his bike, the bike goes off and explodes a moment later all of a sudden.

Emily Jones asks, "You couldn't pay for two explosion sounds, in your whole piece of shit game? And you actually had the audacity to pay 30 bucks? More than twice the amount of some of the best fucking arcade games? Are you crazy? This is criminal.", before then saying about the boosts of the bike, "Your boosts, is idiotically mapped to the forward stick! So you'll constantly accidentally fire it off, at the worst times, causing you to go bouncing off the walls like rubber. But be careful, as you aren't allowed to go backwards. That's right, no going backwards; likely, if you slam- end up slamming into something, hilariously...or you get turned around, you're gonna fade out...and you're gonna be placed back in the track aways up. Have that happen too many times, and you wouldn't be placed on the track, only to fly off to the right and explode. Fly off to the right and explode! Fly off to the right and explode...", she rants as the sentence is repeated in slow-motion.

Explaining this, the same footage from the first level where the biker character turns to the right to a fence, and explodes for no reason, was shown.

"IT'S THE WHOLE GAME!", Emily yelled, as the footage was shown again in slow-motion as well. " **For no REASON!** "

* * *

Ragana, seeing the second part of the review, laughs devilishly, "I feel your ANGER! Hahahahahaha! Soon it'll give way to desperation! Hahahaha! And you will be no more!", cackling as the second short part ended.

 **To be concluded...**


	3. Part 3 of 3 (FINAL)

**Part 3 of 3 (FINAL)**

Emily Jones, hearing what Ragana plans at the end of the second part of the view at the beginning of the final part, unlike the last chapter, she ranted, "Oh, you want me to keep going?! Oh, I'll keep going! Gameplay sections aren't much better, the camera's so erky jerky! And your character's so stiff, that it's difficult to aim down the sites at anything. There are a total of two types of enemies in this game: charging dudes, and idiot dudes, who find it hard to use cover. Either shooting through the walls, or taking cover in the wrong fucking direction. Melee guys charge you out in the open like morons, or, everyone soaks up bullets like BBs. Apparently, this biker gang, has hired a few Jasons, from HELL.", referencing Friday the 13th's Jason Voorhees.

A short clip of one of the Jason Voorhees-like enemies being killed by the heroic game character was shown.

"Melee attacks in the game, are a joke. It's two buttons. There are no real combos, just a sad impersonation of Batman's system. Press Y when somebody's about to hit you in the back of the head. But you should allow them to.", she continues, as another clip with melee attacks were shown also. "Anything but headshots in this game, are horribly ineffective. You have your choice between, 15 body shots...multiple clips...melee-ing the guy for 15 minutes, or go for a single headshot, which one are you gonna choose?", Emily says as a third clip in this chapter with the player shooting enemies with a single headshot each was shown. "As a result though, I've gotten pretty good at headshots. Sort of like being thrown into a swimming pool when you don't know how to swim, and it's this same sorta _learning under desperation_ , that I've gotten pretty good at headshots."

A fourth clip showing the player shooting enemies with single headshots was shown, as Emily was heard saying, "Oh, yeah, don't fuck with Emily Jones, I'm so fucking tired of playing this damn game."

"I'm rather surprised this game even has destructible cover. Well, sorta. You almost never notice it or see it, cause it pretty much does nothing. It's pointless. Racing sections cannot be completed until you get to a certain point. So there's no sense of urgency or challenge. You just race until the game stops the race, if you're still on your bike...", Emily says next, explaining this before she smiles, clapping her hands in congrats, "...you win!", before continuing as she stops clapping, "If you're extra lucky, the game will decide to combine these two modes into the worst driving/shooting mechanic EVER. You will slow down time, and have to shoot enemies, in which they speed off, dead, on their bikes for another 16 miles, up the road, until they explode an hour later! All while you're still stuck in the _sloooooo-mooooo mooooooode..._ ", she rants, saying the last part slowly. " **For fuck's sake.** "

A fifth example shows the player shooting the enemy in the type of level whilst driving, as the enemy was still dead as the motorcycle drove, until it explodes for no reason.

Emily then says, "The town of Dead End serves as a hub for you in between missions where you can walk around, you can sell your drugs that you picked off dead bodies for cash, even though all of them are the same, but just with different names. You can go to an army truck to buy weapons and skills, and there's a garage where you can customize your bike, with a fine amount of pieces. Probably the only thing in this game that doesn't immediately make you vomit. You can upgrade your bike. Woo-hoo! For the WORST driving I've ever seen. Yay. The game feels unfinished. In addition, there is no...menu music in any of the menus...", as a sixth example showing an example of no menu music for the menus was shown as well. "The whole ghost town of Dead End seems as if it was originally supposed to be that open world for you to explore. But there was no point. You just run between those three interest points, and go back to your **_bike_** , and slam your head on the wall some more."

Another seventh video shows a part of a random cutscene, of a character in the game inadvertently commenting to this.

"Entire sections and interiors, have been created, just to use for a half-second, pointless bit. It's like...they have run out of money, or they just realized they didn't have the fucking talent to do this and just said, _'FUCK IT! Fuck it it's too hard!'_ Force it into boring, long-linear shooting galleries, with racing sections connecting them! Oh yeah, and put a loading screen in every **30 SECONDS** just to piss them off.", angrily said Emily, as a eighth example shows a loading screen from the game. "Oh, and you're a biker, so of course, you get to go to the strip club! _Yay, titties!_ At some point to see some- some, really poorly done strip dances, okay, and of course, kill people. In quite possibly, the most insulting, most awkward thing, I've ever played in a video game. Ride to Hell has...plenty of sex, but it handles it in a way, that even the 12 year old who edited this script felt embarrassed by what they came up with. It is pathetic, it is juvenile, it's supposed for sex to make coffee look like Shakespeare! I'm not fucking kidding.", she then says about the badly-done sexuality in the game.

A ninth video shows GTA III's sexual content in the game on the other hand with quotes from Alan Rickman from a movie source (R.I.P. Alan, no offence).

Emily, then says next about another problem of the game's sexuality, "Girls in this game are essentially, limited to slutty power-ups. Find them getting beaten, or about to be raped in an alley, and if you save them, they immediately have sex with your ass. Not later, not after some period of time or character development but, IMMEDIATE SEX!", as a tenth video shows the player killing the enemy harassing the girl, before the girl immediately has sex with the character. "Because yeah, that's totally what a girl wants to do! She wants to suck your dick after she's been sexually insulted IN AN ALLEY! That is disgusting, awkward, tone-deaf, shameful, raw, juvenile, dirty, creepy, insulting, AND IT'S JUST PLAIN **FUCKING STUPID!** Find a bunch of dudes trying to rape a girl, beat up her husband, then she will have sex with you! Rinse and repeat, like seven or eight fucking times in this game! All with similar-looking character models, and all fully-clothed like two **ragdolls** , rubbing up the inch each other, in the most unsettling display ever!", she argued.

A eleventh example is another example of the problem with immediate sexuality in the game, but with another lesbian.

"How old were the people who wrote this shit, seriously?!", Emily Jones then asked, as a twelfth video was another cutscene from the game. "Idiot, logic rules here. At one point in the story, Jake, is faced with an electric fence! Holy mother of god!", she ranted before a thirteenth example shows the electric fence that Jake has to deal with, " **Not the FENCE!** So what does he do to get past this? Does he clip a few wires, maybe shorten the system, maybe go around? **NO.** He goes across the street to murder some innocent truckers, steals a Mach truck, and drives it half across town while ramming and murdering at least 27 police officers...", she rants as a fourteenth video shows an game footage example of what she said, continuing, "...then parks it outside an electric plant, okay, then he murders everyone inside...", as a fifteenth example showed footage in the same mission with Jake killing one of the people at the electric plant, as she then told, "Going deep within the plant only to shoot the tanker from a vantage point, from within the plant, so that it somehow explodes, creating a domino effect exploding the whole entire plant, jumping over a river, the explosions jump over a river, so that this side of the plant has exploded, and it explodes behind him and he can leap into the water, as the explosion barely misses him! **THAT'S HOW JAKE DEALS** with a fucking **FENCE!** That is so fucking insane, it's- it's too funny, it's funny, it's a fucking shame. The whole thing is torture to play, otherwise it sounds like it's over-the-top parody fun. Trust me, it's not. It's just plain fucking stupid."

Another sixteenth example also shows a cutscene QTE event of Jake killing one of the evil bikers in a church.

Emily Jones then said, "The cutscenes are disjointed, constantly cut off in poorly conceive, the AI is so stupid, it hurts to watch it. Unable to go through open doors or use cover, to save their sorry asses. The game has horrendous controls, awful camera troubles, that are even worse indoors...", as a seventeenth example also shows an example of a bad issue with the camera angles indoors during the game whilst the character trying to fight enemies. "...command props urge you forward because the game does such a poor job of telling you itself where to go and what your objective is. Tool tips constantly harass you without a way to turn them off. This game also has some of the worst most repetitive music...the kind of soundtrack...this kind of soundtrack really confirms why I point out good soundtracks in other games. Absolutely, mind-numbingly dreadful.", she then rated.

The eighteenth video shows the continuation of the previous video but this time to deal with the bad soundtrack of the game.

"You'll quickly turn it off completely. It's not even the type of game, where you can get together with your friends, pop a couple of beers and laugh at it, because that would wear off in like five minutes. Everything is so repetitive, so boring, so sickening, and the game is much longer than it has any right to be. Mission after mission, of BABY SHIT! You don't give a rat's ass about any of the side characters, you don't even give a shit about yourself! Garbage! It's functional garbage! For over 10-12 hours of repetitive missions! What if Sonic Free Riders or Mindjack had major glitches, and sometimes just didn't outright work, retribution **functions!** And that is probably the worst thing, this is an illegal means of torture!", Emily Jones rants again, as a nineteenth video shows another cutscence of Jake killing a person. " **Fuck this shit! Fuck this garbage ass shit!** I played 21 hours of this, trying to find something worth anything. No way. No way! I have to do my part to **fucking** stop this! This is the type of corporate BULLSHIT that they released anyway to make up their money, punishing anyone who's...ignorant enough to buy it!", she then reviews angrily.

* * *

Back at Ragana's lair, Ragana was smiling evilly to this review before appalled in shock and asked, "What? ...What is this? You should not be angry. You should be sad! No! No, stop!", demanding with fear.

* * *

Emily Jones ignores and continues, "They could have possibly known, unless it was refused and they told them! They didn't hand out review copies for anybody!", before screaming a bit and growling with anger as she closes her eyes, so angry that she wonders how her nightmare will end.

* * *

As it turns out, we exit Emily's dream as she was seen groaning in her sleep, the same place at the inn, as Sira comes back with cookies and milk, trying to wake her up until.

"AAAH!", Emily screamed wide awake, taking deep breaths from her nightmare, embracing her girlfriend Sira. "Oh, Sira. I just had a...", she cried a bit.

Sira then comforts her, "What happened? What nightmare did you had?", giving her the snacks shortly.

"Sorry, Sira. I dreamt that I was reviewing this awful game called Ride to Hell: Retribution.", Emily apologizes, as she was eating the cookies and drinking the milk. "It was terrible."

The elf girlfriend then sorts this out, "Well...if this makes you any better, can I sleep with you?"

"...Are you kidding? Yes.", Emily Jones smiles deeply.

Sira then added, "...in your arms?"

"Of course.", Emily said before she kissed Sira, as she held Sira in her arms as they drift to sleep, in order to finish the review.

* * *

Once more in Emily's dreamscape, Sira was in the Emily and the elves' playhouse again where Emily reviewed her rants about Ride to Hell, as Sira said, "What's happening? Is this ove-"

"FUCK THAT!", Emily suddenly interrupted, starting off the final result of her review of the awful game.

* * *

Ragana was scared and pleaded, "Stop what you're doing, Emily! No! Don't you do it!", back in her lair.

* * *

"The final verdict is a travesty! An abomination!", Emily ignored, about to give her final verdict of the game.

* * *

Ragana, still in her lair, then demanded in shock, "Don't give a final verdict! No! Please, no!"

* * *

"It's a motherfucking 1/10! What the fuck levels! ...Ride to Hell: Retribution is a motherfucking **EPIC FAIL!** ", says Emily Jones, ranting this as she puts a Epic Fail stamp on the screen showing footage from the game, "It's earns it's 1/10 because it's complete disregard for human safety, and it's insulting expectations of spinning off two more games! Nearly unplayable not because of it's bugs or glitches or fucked concept, but because of how BAD the gameplay actually is! Gameplay functions, but it sole function is to hurt your soul! There's not a single aspect of gameplay this game does a fuck of, from it's pointless fist-fighting, it's awful QTE filled driving mechanics, to it's CREEPY ASS sex scenes within a painfully long, dull storyline! This is one of the worst video games I've ever played! The 1% of it's title, refers to it's overall work! And the number of sane individuals make it out alive! BETTER games have been banned and never released! **This thing for nothing to offer ANYONE!** ", Emily then angrily argued for the last part of her review.

* * *

Ragana was ultimately shocked and feared at this back in her lair, screaming in agony, "PLEASE! NOOO! MY WORK!", reacting to Emily's final verdict of the game Ragana made her to review.

* * *

" **ANYWHERE!** And this is the final nail in this coffin in an recorded place in history for anyone with morbid curiosity!", Emily finished off the final verdict, as Ragana's screaming echo was heard.

* * *

Ragana screamed in defeat, " **NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!** ", before in Emily's dreamscape, she suddenly explodes, disappeared from Emily Jones' dream.

* * *

"It's fucking! It's fucking DONE!", cheers Emily, happy that the review in her dream for the awful game Ride to Hell: Retribution. "I HAVE EXORCISED THE DEMONS!", she celebrates in victory, before she then felt tired a bit after her large effort to defeat Ragana in her dream by finishing her long review.

Sira came over and hugged Emily romantically, "You did it! You defeated Ragana in your dream! I am so proud of you, my love. Here's another glass of milk.", said Sira, as Emily drank milk and threw the empty glass away off-screen.

"I did it. Now we shall celebrate in my dream. Glad I'm done with that awful game.", pants Emily a bit before smiling at her girlfriend Sira.

* * *

Lastly, outside Emily's dream, she and Sira were both romantically cuddling whilst sleeping, before the two smile during their peaceful slumber.

 **The End**


End file.
